I Sort of Hate Newborns

Now I know that most of you right off the bat will disagree with this statement. And that’s fine. Because I know that you are lying. I would estimate at least 3 out of every 5 people hate newborns (do we have 5 people reading this blog yet?). Don’t get me wrong, I get it. They’re small and cuddly and squirmy and smell sort of good. There is something about them that is sort of magical, for lack of a better, less lame word. But in general, they’re pretty terrible, especially if you own one.

Here’s the deal with newborns:

1. They don’t sleep. People like to think that they do, because in reality they are supposed to. If you read “the books” you will learn that newborns are supposed to sleep like 20+ hours a day. That’s 83.3333% of the day. Want to know what my 7 week-old’s stats are? I would estimate he sleeps 20% of the day on a good day. Does that make him an under or an over achiever? I’m not really sure but I do know it makes him a huge pain in my ass.

2. They are on a liquid only diet. If you’re only taking liquids in my friends, then you’re only pushing liquids out, of both ends. Enough said.

3. They cannot talk, making crying their main form of communication. This one should be self-explanatory. Right? The sound of a crying baby, even my very own flesh and blood, makes me want to quietly sneak away from the house with a bottle of wine and return at a later date, once some other more capable grown-up has calmed my baby down.

4. They love being held. Almost to a fault. Again, don’t get me wrong. It’s fun to snuggle a baby, for a limited amount of time. But let’s be honest…I’ve got shit to do and need my hands free to do the aforementioned shit. Can’t I just put you down somewhere without you throwing a fit?? I’ve been holding you since 1972!

5. They are utterly unpredictable. No nap schedule. No sleep schedule. No feeding schedule. And guess what? It’s my job to teach him these things. Who has time for that??

6. They have more gas than a Chevy Suburban. Gas, is not good for babies. It makes them miserable little humans.

I guess the beauty is that the newborn stage is very short. It’s probably very short for a reason. Any longer and the adults would literally go insane. I’m seven weeks in. I figure about 5 more to go and I’ll be looking at a much happier, more interactive, smiley little bean. Just in time to return to work. Ugh.

-Chick E



One response to “I Sort of Hate Newborns

  1. I heard that guy crying last night…. no, not all the way from my house, on a cell phone (he called me), and I had nothing but sympathy for you. That said, I think if you were at work right now, you’d think about paying someone to listen to the sound of a crying baby all day if it meant you weren’t here. Crying baby > work 🙂


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