This is Motherhood? For Real?

I used to have big dreams about what being a Mom would be like. Hot chocolate in the winter, jumping into piles of leaves in the fall, playing board games, baking cookies…

Then I had kids. And none of this happens. Ever. Oh, naive, pre-child self.

Here’s an example of what actually happens: 1:30am, today, I am up feeding the baby. In comes Grace. She is afraid because she heard a noise. I am whispering calmly, trying to get her back into her room without me having to physically take her in there. This is not working. After about 10 minutes, Nate is done eating and is seemingly asleep. Seemingly. Is there anything more terrifying than putting a sleeping baby in his crib? It’s gut wrenching. Sure enough, the second I put him down, BAM, he’s awake. And he’s pissed. “WHY THE HELL AM I IN MY CRIB AND NOT BEING ROCKED GENTLY IN YOUR ARMS??? WHAT THE F*CK MUM??”

Off to Grace’s room I go. Nate, you can wait buddy. I try to get her to go back to sleep but she wants me to wait to hear the noise, which she is now CONVINCED is zombies. Zombies? You are four years old!! Why are you worrying about zombies??

Very long story short…2 hours later, we are all back asleep. And that, my readers, is what actually goes on in my life as a Mom.

I know so many people who say “It’s just the best isn’t it?? Aren’t they little miracles?” And other such BS. While some days are amazing, and the very fact that these little humans came out of me certainly is something of a miracle, being a Mom sort of blows some days. I wish more women would admit that so that I wouldn’t feel so awful saying it out loud. Can I get some support here? Help me out…I need to feel less terrible. Ugh, Mom-guilt. That’s a whole other article.

Here’s what I miss about my pre-child life: sleep, spontaneity, eating candy in the open, sleep, trips to the grocery store that resulted in food and not tears (and that also didn’t take 17 hours), sleep, long leisurely uninterrupted showers (it takes an act of Congress to shave my legs these days), sleep. You get the picture right? I mostly just miss being able to do whatever the F i want, whenever the F I want.

I am always so amazed at women who seem to just take to motherhood. These women look like they stepped out of a J-Crew catalog, as do their little ones. They pull out their organic snacks at the playground. I’m usually rocking sweatpants and have most likely forgotten snacks. “Um excuse me? Would you mind sharing with my daughter?” Ok, maybe it’s not that bad. At least they’re happy and healthy right? Well healthy. One outta two ain’t bad.

-Chick E



2 responses to “This is Motherhood? For Real?

  1. Also, my favorite pre-child thing that you miss is, “eating candy in the open”…should your next blog be called, “I eat triple stuf Oreos in the bathroom”?


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