My Pony is SO Tight…(How Tight Is It??) It’s SO Tight Instead of Bouncing Quarters Off My Abs, I Bounce Them Off My Head!

bad hair

Things that have been passed down to me from my parents:

1. Love of family, loyalty and generosity.

2. Heart Disease.

3. Hilarious sense of humor.

4. Humility. See #3.

5. From my Dad: Thinning Hair.

There’s a lot of other things, but we’ll stop there for now. (And you know, our loyal Followers that I am a fan of Top 5 Lists…) I’m just trying to prove a point about my God awful, thinning hair. Thanks a lot Dad.

You know those older ladies that have super thin hair and they use those metal pick combs to fluff it up and probably some Aqua Net to hold it up, but there’s absolutely zero hiding the fact that every onlooker can 100% see the entire surface of their head? That’s going to be me. In about 10 years. If not less.

I have super thin hair and am almost doing a comb over already.

I know it doesn’t help my hair health that after I get out of the shower, I brush my soaking wet hair back into a pretty tight ponytail…because I have absolutely no clue how to style my hair. My family comments on the severity of my ponytails often and ask me if I am in pain. No, I’m not. I just don’t know how to use a hair dryer.

Every stylist I see says, “You need to put product in your hair to make it thicker.” So, I have one of everything that Rite-Aid has to offer in my hair arsenal. But my question is, “Which one(s) do I use?” Do I want my hair to be “Thicker/Fuller”? Yes. Do I want my thinning hair to not get frizzy once it is dry? Yup. Do I want my hair to look shiny and lustrous? Of course I do, come on! So, on the rare occasion that I do wear my hair down, like today, I am psychotically mixing a cocktail of hair liquors and hoping for the best. This morning, for example…I put in hair thickening mousse, anti-frizz serum and shine spray and then randomly, without any plan blow dried my hair. Then, because it looks frizzy STILL, because again, it’s so GD thin and has nothing to weigh it down, I stress and add MORE anti-frizz serum. And at least 15 seconds of hair spray action. And you know what? It’s still frizzy. And it does this thing that my bf confusingly calls “getting fluffy at the ends”…from the top of my head to my ears it’s super flat and then from my ears down it’s all billowy and lioness-esque.

Hair Professionals drive me crazy, I’m sitting there in the spinny chair and they’re all, “You just need to use a round brush and hold the blow dryer in one hand and just wind up the hair into the round brush and while you’re brushing it out, hit the “Cool” button and then flip it under when you get to the end, it’s SOO simple.” I’m like, “Lady, I had to go through three tries to get my hair into this awful ponytail?!” She’s like, “Hahaha, you’re so funny…” And I’m like, “I’m dead serious Lady.”

The other thing they always ask me is, “What would you like to do with your hair today?” I say things like, “Have it not look this horrible.” I don’t know, this is your job, what SHOULD I do??

I’m honestly starting to consider pulling a Sinead O’Connor. No, not writing a public letter to Miley Cyrus about her twerking and foam finger usage…I say, Miley, do what you need to do. That’s a whole other blog…

What I mean is, I’m contemplating shaving my head. Ladies, wouldn’t that be so much simpler if that was the norm?? No worries, no stress, no purchasing serums, waxes or products that boast, “Made with Pure Moroccan Oil”…what even is that?? (Listen, my dear, lovely sister had a shaved head for a little while in her life…stupid Cancer, not her just trying to make a cool statement…) and I always thought she looked so hot! She looked really cool and gorgeous and really pulled off that look. So, maybe I could too?

I don’t know. I’m at a loss.

If my hair was a person, it would be committed to an insane asylum.

If you have any tips on how to simply tackle this hair-tastrophe…I’d love to hear it.

But for now…Ponytail City, Sweetheart. Ponytail City.

Heart you. But I don’t heart you, hair, nope, not you even a little bit.

-Chick A

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4 responses to “My Pony is SO Tight…(How Tight Is It??) It’s SO Tight Instead of Bouncing Quarters Off My Abs, I Bounce Them Off My Head!

  1. @Melea: Like I said to Katie, hats are my friend. I am enjoying a particular “Owl” themed winter hat a lot lately. I really like “Fluffy at the Ends”….nice one. Might have to steal that. Or how about, “I’m Fluffy All Over”? That might be a double entendre. And by the way, I’ve never used that word before. Ever.

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  2. I was about to go all, you should use (insert awesome hair syrum name here), but then I figured you’ve heard enough of that, likely don’t have any more bathroom counter space, and to be honest, it sounds like you probably already own it. Instead, I shall make a comment on the hair dresser – as ‘easy’ as all those round brush techniques sound… I say – I do not have you, the trained hairdresser, at my diaposal in my bathroom. That in itself is a big puzzle piece I’ve come to find missing in the battle of frizz failure… nor do I have the second, but likely the most important component – arms that are not attatched to the body of frizz hair that is being worked on. A hairdresser’s angle of hair dryer to currently neatly-rolled-on-a-brush hair ration is impossible to achieve, let alone duplicate, on yourself. But hey, you’re funny, and who knows – ‘fluffy at the ends’ could become a new thing by the time your on Comedy Central; lucky you – you’ll have it down! … Or I suppose up, kind of? Then again, by then you’ll likely have learned how to tame it and will struggle to achieve a hairstyle that once came naturally. Tough luck.

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