What Keeps Me Up at Night

I could write this blog with one word…


For as long as I can remember, I have been a terrible sleeper, either unable to fall asleep or to stay asleep every single night.  I can remember so many nights counting down the hours…”If I fall asleep right now I’ll get 6 hours of sleep, if I fall asleep right now I’ll get 5 hours of sleep, if I fall asleep right now I’ll get 4 hours of sleep” and so on.  I’m a little better now, but still find myself awake 2-3 times a night at least.  What, you may ask, is keeping me up?  Or maybe you don’t care, but you’re reading this so I’ll tell you anyway.

1.  Littlest human in the house (LHITH).  For obvious reasons.  He’s three months old and on a liquid diet.  He’s frequently starving and likes to let me know.  He’s not so bad though.  At least he’s snugly and super cute.

2.  Second littlest human in the house (2nd LHITH).  Although she’s almost 4, she still gets up most nights too.  Her wake-ups are much less time consuming than LHITH’s because she doesn’t need to eat.  She usually needs to tell me something incredibly unimportant that most definitely could’ve waited until the morning.  But, she is pretty cute too and these wake-ups can make for some pretty funny stories.  Once she woke me up because there were bugs in her bed (there were not).  Once because she thought she heard zombies (she did not).

3.  Snoring.  This is not cute at all.  Snoring is literally the worst sound in the world.  Now, I don’t know who it is that’s snoring, because my husband is adamant that it’s not him.  So who, I ask, is in my bedroom sawing logs in the middle of the night?  Is there a random person who likes to come sleep on my floor?  Who doesn’t steal anything, just breaks in to come in and sleep?  Maybe.  I haven’t caught him in the act yet.  I have, however, filmed my husband snoring quite loudly.  The film evidence is undeniable, yet somehow he continues to do so…

4.  Well now I’m hungry.  After dealing with the three humans in the house in some facet or another, I am now awake and hungry.  It’s usually around 2am at this point and I haven’t eaten since dinner, so it’s understandable that my stomach is now growling loudly enough to compete with the chainsaw running in the bedroom.

5.  While downstairs getting a snack I hear our cat Ollie outside meowing to come in.  The second I let him in he runs upstairs and gets all cozy on my side of the bed.  The covers are thrown off at this point so he’s right on my sheet, after coming in from outside, usually from under the front porch.  So now when I go to get back into bed, I’m laying on twigs (This is a true story.  The other night there was actually a twig on my bed) and leaves and dirt and cat hair.  And probably ticks and bugs.  Awesome. Thanks Ollie.  Ahole.

Someone should invent stay asleep pill. I’d give that pill a spin. And find a cure for snoring. Can one of you get on that? Thanks.

-Chick E


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