I Apologize for My Bitchiness, I’m Failing at Quitting Sugar

Trying-By-Homer
Remember when I said I was going to try to stop eating sugar?  And then I modified it to say I would try to stop eating non-essential sugar?  No?  Click here to refresh your memory…

What a joke.  Who was I kidding?  I f’ing love sugar.  I bet I have said that 54 times in 2014 already.  There’s a reason it’s more addictive than heroin.  Because it’s awesome.

The other day at work I walked by a desk, twice, that had a big bowl of Hershey’s Miniatures, and did not even eat one.  NOT EVEN ONE.  That is where my willpower ends.  That is literally as good as it gets for me.  If I were not trying, I would’ve eaten 3.  At least 3.  Maybe 4.  Definitely 4.  And if I were being honest here, probably more like 6-7 (depending on which of the Miniatures were left.  Nothing but Krackel?  I’m out.  Straight milk chocolate?  I’ll put back a minimum of 6).

I’ve spent a lot of time in the recent weeks trying to decide why I cannot commit to this.  It seems like something I should be able to do.  What it boils down to is that I just don’t want to.  Here are my choices for some sort of vice:

  1. Eat candy/sweets
  2. Smoke Cigarettes
  3. Do drugs
  4. Drink a shit-ton of alcohol
  5. Shop even more than I do and run my family into serious credit card debt

Aren’t I doing the right thing here?  Can’t I just have this one thing??  And don’t be all “you could eat fruit! or some really delicious paleo bars I made!”  I’m sorry Chick-A, no paleo bar will ever compare to a Milky Way.  EVER.  Got it???  (Love you so much).

I hate January.  Such a depressing month.  Awful weather coupled with the constant feeling of failure.  Well that’s it.  I’m breaking free people.  I’m not chaining myself to any silly resolution ever again.  Who’s with me?  Here’s the thing…all of these things we are doing…these “healthy” things we try to commit to…what’s it all for?  To live longer?  How much longer am I going to live if I stop eating candy?  I argue I’ll actually die sooner, from sadness.  Sadness is the number one killer of people between the ages of 25&42 (this is not a real statistic.  Please do not believe this.)

And with that, I’m off to the freezer.  For some frozen yogurt.  Which is (marginally) better than eating ice cream.  That’s the best I’ll do today.  And I don’t mind one bit.

-Chick E

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2 responses to “I Apologize for My Bitchiness, I’m Failing at Quitting Sugar

  1. I like the line…awful weather coupled with the feeling of failure. You’ve just defined January. It is the worst…month….everrrrrr. And why give up sugar during this worst month ever? Just be glad that you haven’t done something drastic to alleviate the tedium, awful weather and feeling of failure that was already there BEFORE you decided to give up sugar. It’s a recipe for disaster!! So be happy, eat sugar!

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