Pants On Fire. With UPDATE!

Plumping. Volumizing. Lengthening. Defining. Non-smudging. Black. Noir. Almost Black. Kinda Brown. Express Outrageousness. Rocket Length. Colossal. Mega. Falsies. The list could literally go on for 74 days straight. Most of you reading this know what I’m talking about. And you’re probably thinking, “Seriously? Is this the beginnings of a blog about mascara????”

Why yes. Yes, it is. Here’s the thing. Most mascaras absolutely suck. I have probably purchased over 300 different tubes of mascara in my lifetime, maybe more. And not one of them has made my eyelashes look like this:

maybelline falsies mascara ad

I mean, I wish it would. Lush and defined and amazing. You don’t get that!! Maybe if it’s applied on your lashes by a Hollywood make-up artist! But, with just me and my mirror and of course my mouth wide open…it comes out more like this:


I just want a mascara that isn’t a liar. You’re all liars. My eyelashes aren’t “Colossal” or “Mega XXL”, they don’t look like “Falsies”, they don’t even look like a “Great Lash”…they should be called, “Clumpified”, “Gluie”, or “Pick-A-Part with Finger Nails”.  I’ve tried them all from $1 Wet and Wild’s to $38 Chanel’s or Givenchy. All of them, liars.

My cousin once introduced me to one that I really loved, it worked great….but here was the issue. You could NEVER get it off. Eye Make-Up Remover?? Didn’t even begin to touch it. (As I’m writing this, I’m thinking, why is this a bad thing? It’s like permanent mascara…might need to rethink my stance on that one…)

Anyways, I’m almost done with the whole business. Giving up. I don’t have room in my life for one more mascara to let me down. I don’t know of another beauty product that is such a compulsive deceiver. Blush? No. It says it’ll make your cheeks rosy, it does. Eyeliner? Nope. It lines your eyes. Lipstick? Do you want your lips to be a different color than they are? Exactly. The End.

My cousin and I have always been advocates of getting each other into the right mascara, telling each other to try this, don’t bother with this, here I bought you this to try etc. Well, my sister recently got into our mascara trying group and advised us that she had found IT. THE mascara that had long evaded our dreams.

My cousin took her advice and tried it and she’s saying she’s on board with it now as well. I think her quote was, “She’s right, it really is the best.” Almost defeated because we had been searching for probably close to a decade and here comes along my sister and is just like, “Here…” We felt like failures.

So, for Christmas, my darling sister got me a tube of this (somewhat expensive) mascara…I haven’t started it yet, I’m trying to finish up my 78 other tubes in the wings….but as soon as I take it for a spin, I’ll report back. I won’t even say the name yet. No chance I’M going to lie to you, my friend, no how, no way.

For now, if anyone reading this works for a cosmetic company, can you put in the cafeteria suggestion box for your company to stop lying to us? Just be straight with us….the way you are with our lashes…………………..get it? You want your lashes curly, but they just stay straight? Get it?

Fighting these epic battles every day,

-Chick A

P.S. Heart you, full and glamorous eyelash people…aka “Celebrities”…. 😛


 UPDATE: April 16, 2014

I have been using the somewhat expensive mascara that my darling sister got for me for Christmas. And, as cynical as I had become with finding a great mascara once and for all, I have truly been surprised and delighted by this masked mascara hero. And, I want nothing more than to share this information with you, so that you too can become a believer.

It’s called “They’re Real” by Benefit. Here’s what it looks like:



It has a great wand that give perfect separation and length and it has this weird yet cool tip that allows you to perfectly get those little guys in the corners and the bottom.

It doesn’t smudge, it lasts and last, but not so much that you need professional help removing it.

It’s the closest thing I’ve found to have true celeb lashes. And as you read above, I’ve tried them all. Like, all of them. Everyone one.

So, give it a whirl. I know it’s not cheap, it’s $23, but it’s SO worth it. I swear. And you know what, you deserve it. Yes, you! You’re a nice person. You’re kind and generous and I especially thing you’re terrific because you’re reading this. You must be awesome. 🙂 So, run out, today and buy this. You can find it at Sephora, Ulta and I’m sure other places, but those are the only two that I know for sure. (I checked on Amazon, but it was cost quite a bit more than in those other two stores I mentioned, what’s up with that, Amazon??)

Go get it and come report back and let us know what you think. If you have used it, let us know what you think. If you think you know another mascara that’s better, let us know too. Just, you know, whatever, let us know…about….whatever…

Heart you again,

-Chick A


4 responses to “Pants On Fire. With UPDATE!

  1. One of your problems may be that you have 78 tubes…I think they lose their shelf life after a month. I am 3 months, 3 tubes and $66 into the ‘best mascara ever’ according to an unnamed cousin…and it’s still going strong. I feel like my eyelashes are celebrity quality – of the D-List celebrity variety, but it’s definitely a step up.


  2. I’m a firm believer in the torture device known as the Eye Lash Curler, first and foremost (Tweezerman is the best one EVA!). Then I blot my mascara wand with a tissue to get off the excess (because otherwise clumps will ensue) and then I put it on (mouth open, winking, of course). I know it’s kind of a waste…but it works better cause the tube just doesn’t get the clumps off the brush. Thirdly, I use Maybelline Great Lash. It’s the cheapest and the best for your buck, in my opinion.


  3. I have always said life is all about the quest for the perfect pair of jeans, the perfect vacuum and the perfect bra. But I will add the perfect mascara to that list.


    • I’ve been a long believer about the jeans and bra. They really can make you a better person. That’s fact. As for the quest for the perfect vacuum, surprisingly that’s never hit my radar. You’ll have to talk to Chick E about that, I feel like that would be up her OCD alley…Chick E?


Let Us Know What You Think...

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s