On Saturday, I partook in a ritual similar to the likes of which Steve Carrell’s character, in the movie “40 Year Old Virgin” partook in and when he partook in said ritual, he howled Kelly Clarkson’s name in confused and horrific pain. (If you haven’t seen “40 Year Old Virgin”…..see it. I’m kinda let down that you haven’t. It’s hilarious.)
Okay, no, I didn’t get my chest waxed. It doesn’t need it. I swear. But, I did get my eyebrows waxed. And that was fine. I’m used to it, I’m a regular with this as I agree with my cousin Dee’s opinion that, “The difference between manicured and non-manicured eyebrows is a two point raise or decline in your hotness quotient.” (Meaning, if you’re an “8”, if your brows are not looking good, it brings you down to a “6”…and vice-versa…)
However, I did do something for the first time ever. (And, although using the term “T.M.I” is one of those terms that older people say because they just heard this term and think they’re really hip for using it, but really, it’s so 2003…) But maybe what I’m about to say is “TMI”…
I had my upper lip waxed.
Men…I will give you a minute to compose yourself…but more woman than not do it…I looked it up…so, relax.
I asked my hair stylist, who also does my brows if the myth was true about waxing once and it growing back darker and thicker. She said that myth was just that, a myth. We discussed it rationally and logically and we decided together that I would try it. I also said I wouldn’t be able to run anymore errands afterwards because I’d have a bright red upper lip and no one at Christmas Tree Shop wants to see that…but, she told me it wouldn’t be bad and I’d be fine.
So, here we go…she did her boiling hot wax spreading, fabric strip laying and fabric strip ripping off and voila….I had less hair on my upper lip. I know, she showed me the strip.
I leave the salon and it’s a little warm up there on my lip, not too bad, but a bit toasty…I drive away, towards my destination and it’s getting hotter. It feels like I have a sunburn on my upper lip…so, I pull a totally brilliant move and roll down my window and grab some snow off my side mirror…make a small snow ball and rub it on my upper lip. It melted quickly, thus the fact proven that my upper lip was on fire.
Arrive at destination. Christmas Tree Shop. I think the snow must have done it’s job, it’s freezing snow, it’s definitely done the trick. I’m sure of it. But, to be safe, I put on some pretty dark lipstick, maybe this will distract from any tiny bit of redness that may remain.
I stroll into CTS and go right to the Customer Service Desk because I’m looking for something in particular. I speak to two separate people about my inquiry. Then, I walk away…looking at note cards, decorative pillows, candles, frames….you know, the usual Christmas Tree Shop fare. Then I happen to mosey on by a collection of mirrors that were on sale. And I do that completely cartoon-esque move, the double take. Oh. My. Nightmare! As I glare into the mirror, I stare at the fire engine red strip running across my upper lip with a bonus feature of pencil eraser sized raised white dots. OOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMMGGGGGGGGGGGGGG!
I use my hand to casually cover my “situation” that’s going on with my face and walk briskly to where I know this store sells make-up. I think they sell some make-up. I think I’ve seen make-up here before. Please, please, please, Dear God have make-up. Please. My mind is racing with the people I have smiled at and the TWO people I talked to at Customer Service. OMG. They probably think I have an STD for God’s sake. Gross. I’m almost running at this point, but ooh…wait…I need some Q-Tips for the gym at work…let me pick that up. (A.D.D. doesn’t care about my upper lip horror…)
There it is. “Reevlon” Foundation. Thank You God. They carry make-up that is probably expired or has typos on it or something. But, I don’t care. I need some and I need it now. I look to my left and to my right, no one there to see what I am about to do. I unscrew the cap and dip my pinky into the glass jar and get a dab on my finger….luckily there’s handheld mirrors for sale nearby. I grab the mirror and hastily blot/rub this very light colored foundation all over my upper lip. I look around again, still no one, thank you New England winter for keeping people out of retail stores last night.
I walk away, check out and leave…not with that bottle of “Reevlon” Foundation, by the way….sorry…
What’s the bottom line of this anecdote? Get your upper lip waxed if you need to, that’s totally fine and acceptable and even an honorable ritual as a woman, let’s look our best, right? However, get all your errands done before you have this done. Go home right after. Right after. Okay?
After a couple hours, the redness, swelling and white dots went away.
And, you know what? My upper lip looks pretty nice actually…
Looking after you…and your upper lip.