Hormel, The Seal, A Roll of Toilet Paper and My Life.

For some reason, I thought it might be a good idea to start a recurring segment on TooFunnyChicks called, “Humiliating Stories of Chick A”…

I’m not quite sure why. Chick E told me I was a glutton for punishment today, so maybe that’s the reason. But, I know there’s humor in these stories about things that have happened to me in my life. So, what do I care? As long as I make you laugh, my pride can be stripped.

Here’s the story that made me think of writing about this topic…

It was my Junior year of college at the University of New Hampshire. I lived with three friends in a four-bedroom apartment off, but close to campus.

Now, in this time in my life, the mid-90’s, I was still overweight and dressing horribly…and although I had developed a pretty good personality and sense of humor due to not being able to rely on my “sex appeal”, I was still a bit lacking in the confidence department with the, you know, “fellas”.

Like I said, I was living with three other girls. Three beautiful, thin, hot girls. And me.

Two of my roommates, let’s call them, “Hormel” and “The Seal” decided to do whatever it is you do to get into a Sorority. Campaign? Barter? No, pledge. Right. So, they are pledging a Sorority that obviously has an associated Fraternity, I’m assuming. Are those things like Brothers/Sisters? I’m not sure. Anyways, one day, Hormel and The Seal tell me that a bunch of the guys from the Fraternity are going to come over to watch a football game. So, of course, this made me very nervous. Maybe I should just leave…

But, I decide to stay. Make some great snacks to showcase my cooking prowess. Put on a really nice looking men’s sweater that I purchased at the Gap, put just the top of my hair up in a super sweet scrunchie…you know, really put my sexiest foot forward.

I don’t know what I made or what I was drinking, but something made me very sick. Not the kind of sick that is acceptable at Frat parties, by the way. The kind of sick that a man should never know happens to a woman. Especially in college. It was awful. So…I am spending some quality time in our bathroom, which was off the living room where all these people were. There were probably 30 people and I think 27 of them were guys. Awesome. Perfect setting.

I get my whits about me in the Ladies Room, freshen up, put on a couple sprays of Elizabeth Arden’s Red Door perfume, I think I brushed my teeth…and headed out of the bathroom to rejoin very slyly our guests. Like I had never even been gone…

Then, to my utter horror, I hear Hormel say very loudly while pointing at me, “Oh My God, you have toilet paper coming out the back of your pants!!!!”


I turn around quickly. My heart was racing. Is this true?? It was! It was like a train on a bridal gown running out the waist of my pants, down my legs and following behind me on the floor. Oh my God, I think it was still attached to the roll in the bathroom!!


Imagine this, but like 15 additional feet of toilet paper. Perfect how this pic says, “College Humor”…

Everyone broke out in hysterics, of course. I mean, right? It was funny! It’s like something you see in some stupid movie like “Naked Gun” or some Johnny Knoxville hit. So, I laughed too. And gathered the TP from all around me. What else was I going to do?? REALLY seal the moment by breaking out into hysterical crying and running into my room?? That would’ve been cool.

Hormel and The Seal are two of my favorite people to this day. Yeah, Hormel could’ve handled that situation a little differently maybe, but I think she had had a few margaritas. And some chili. So, I let it slide.

Needless to say, my sexiest foot forward was not put into good use this day. Not the men’s over-sized sweater nor the super hot scrunchie could have saved me that day.

But maybe those guys liked my bean dip? Silver Lining? I’d like to think so…

Here’s to the first of many stories to make you feel better about yourself,

Heart you, you too Hormel and The Seal,

-Chick A


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