My Dog is Joe Pesci.

Why does my dog get so mad every time another dog walks by my house?

Does he think that there cannot be another dog in the world?

He hears the jingling of the other dog’s leash or tags on their collar, not sure which from a mile away and suddenly he is awakened from his 20 hours of napping he does per day in a fury of rage.

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 WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE ARE OTHER DOGS?? 

WHAT ARE THEY DOING NEAR MY KINGDOM??

He jumps off from the couch or the my bed or his bed, wherever he’s been napping at the time and runs to the front door. Are they here?? No. Runs to the back door. Are they here?? No. Back and forth till the dog passes the house by the front door and then it’s, “I’LL SHOW THAT GD DOG!!” And a barrage of barking ensues. Bark, Bark, Bark, Bark!!!!!! I tell him to relax and to stop it and lots of No! No Bark!! But, he doesn’t care. He’s like shut up, human, this other animal is coming to kill you and/or take my treats, I’ll do what I must do to protect you and more importantly, my treats!! Bark, Bark, Bark, Bark!!!

Doesn’t he know, from experience that this other dog is on a leash, just as he is when he goes for walks? Doesn’t he know, from experience that this other dog can only go like 3 feet away from it’s owner? No. He doesn’t know.

Sometimes he does listen to me and does stop the incessant barking, but then instead of barking, he paces around the house grunting and groaning. He’s so mad. He’s like, “Rrrrr…Barrrr….Rrrrrr…” (This is how I think you spell the sounds he’s making…) And I look at him and say, “Nooooo….no…enough!” He tilts his head to look at me, stops making the noises and gets about 3 feet away from me and starts groaning again. He’s like an old Papa dog. So grumpy.

My dog loves treats. This is probably a stupid thing to say. Like saying, my child loves candy. But I truly believe that my dog loves treats more than most dogs. I feel like he loves treats more than he loves me. I’m just a courier to him, an ambassador of treats, if you will. “Silly human”, he thinks. “I just sit here and she’s so happy, she gives me a treat.” Although, he won’t scoff down just any treat. As my healthy living has progressed and my eating habits changed, so have his. I don’t eat carbs, so he gets Grain Free dog food. I buy mostly organic food, so I buy him mostly organic treats. He is not a fan. He will do his whole thing. Sit. Stay. I put the wholesome, organic treat in front of his nose, he smells it and does a total like Diva-ish head turn. Like, “No.” I do not want that treat, woman. I would like something that stinks like feet and is called a snausage or looks like a piece of rubbery bacon from a bag with a cartoon dog on it please.” He’s really snobby about his treats. He only likes Jamaican Style Lager as well.

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I’ve always said that if my dog were a celebrity, he’d be Joe Pesci. You know the guy from “Goodfellas” and “Home Alone”? Because my dog is of compact stature and he’s got A LOT of attitude. You know, the whole Napoleon thing. And I believe my dog is also originally from the Newark, NJ area.  (Just kidding, he hails from Lake Mary, Florida, born to parents, Jack and Jill.) I like to believe that if my dog could talk, he’d sound like Pesci too. When I laugh at his antics, he’ll look at me with disgust, like… “Funny how? What’s funny about it? Funny how?? Let me understand this, I’m funny like I’m a clown? I amuse you? I make you laugh? How am I funny?”

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He’s started this thing now that he’s getting to be a senior citizen, or as my Vet refers to him, “a geriatric”…(I think that’s just mean).  Anyways, he’s started doing this thing, it kills me. He’ll be sitting there. Sitting up, all proper and he’s having a hard time keeping his eyes open. He’s like one of those videos where a baby is falling asleep in it’s high chair and falls face first into it’s applesauce. God, I love those videos. I mean, doesn’t he get enough sleep?? Isn’t 20 hours a day enough???

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My dog is a fairly well trained guy. Besides the incessant barking at strange dogs, he’s a pretty well behaved citizen. However, there are a few things that he does not like. I started a list in my phone…and will share it with you now…

Some of the things my dog HATES:

1. Cardboard boxes. Packages, in general, are his worst nightmare. Maybe he worked for Fed Ex in his last life…

2. Bubble wrap. Refer to #1.

3. Nail Clippers. If my bf is cutting his nails, my dog is running for the hills. Not sure if it’s the noise of it that brings back memories of bad vet trips or if he thinks my bf is going to cut his nails next.

4. The Saxophone. My stepson started playing the sax this year in 5th grade. My dog, not a fan. No Kenny G on his iPod.

5. Balloons. Again, I don’t know why, he just hates balloons. Maybe he thinks they’re weird, colorful, flying dogs.

6. Gum. This is his newest issue. If I am chewing gum, he will freak out. So much so that I have to ceremoniously remove it from my mouth and show him that it’s going into the trash before he’ll come near me again. Like, what does he think the gum in my mouth is going to do to him?

And just so you don’t think my dog is all negative…

Some of the things my dog LOVES:

1. Cheese. There’s nothing on this Earth that my dog loves more than cheese. Not me, not Snausages, not running on the beach. It’s cheese by a landslide. Twice in his life, he has eaten an entire block of cheese in less than 10 seconds. And like I said, he’s a very well behaved dog. I could put a steak on the ground and tell him no and he wouldn’t go near it, but all bets are off with cheese. He literally loses his mind over it. He can be in another room, far away, with his head under a pillow (because he’s always putting his head under a pillow, as seen below) and I’ll open a bag of shredded mozzarella or peel open an American Cheese slice and he comes hauling tail into the kitchen. If he could talk, he’d be saying, in his Pesci-accent, “Please, PLEASE, pleeeaaassssee give me some cheese. I’ll do whatever you say. I’ll sit. I’ll rollover. I’ll go pick up my poops from the lawn. I’ll do whatever you say lady, just please, please, please give me some of that cheese. PLEASE!” This guy LOVES cheese.

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2. Hedgehogs. My dog has 14 trillion toys. I don’t think I’ve ever thrown one away. They’re all over the house and I pretend he understands what I’m saying and speak to him all sternly, “How many times am I going to tell you?? If you take a toy out to play with, put it back where it belongs when you’re done with it!” He looks at me, tilts his head in wonder and is probably thinking, “Are you talking to me??” Anyways, he’s always had an affinity for hedgehog replica dog toys. He’ll search through his enormous bin of toys to find Hedgie. Again, no idea why.

3. Red Peppers. My dog has only had a couple friends in his life. He was sadly attacked by a very poorly trained dog many years ago and never emotionally recovered, so he’s been kind of a loner his whole life. His very best friend was his cousin, Hannah. She was a chocolate lab that belonged to my oldest sister. Hannah was five times his size, but he didn’t care. He loved her so much. And he liked to show her how he felt. By jumping up onto her backside and uh, moving his hips around in the air. Can I not go further with that?? You know what I’m getting at, right? He REALLY liked her. Like, as more than friends. But, it was frowned upon because they were somewhat related. Anywho….Hannah LOVED eating red peppers. My dog did not like this, he would take it and spit it out onto the floor. And then ask if you had any sharp cheddar or Provolone instead. Sadly, a couple summers ago, Hannah went to Heaven and all the sudden my dog LOVED red peppers. It was almost on par with cheese. Not like lose you’re ever-loving mind love, like cheese, but close. I think he became a fan of red peppers in ode to his lost love, Hannah. Miss you Han.

SAm & Hannah- Fetching Team

4. Me. My dog LOVES me. He thinks I am the best thing. I mean, not like cheese, but again, close. I’m like between cheese and red peppers. He’s always got his eye on me. He’s kind of a stalker actually. He’ll be in the other room, eating his dinner and I’m sitting on the couch and he stands in front of his bowl, eyes on me, then he puts his head in his bowl, grabs some grub and picks his head up and stares back at me, chewing his crunchy, disgusting smelling food while staring at me. He knows when I’m sad, he’s literally licked my tears off my face before. He’s actually a lot like me; highly anxious, a little stupid, fun-loving, doesn’t really like other people’s kids, likes being rubbed. We disagree on packages and cheese though. I mean, I like cheese alright, but I wouldn’t run into the living room when no one was looking and jump up onto the coffee table and shove an entire block of Seriously Sharp Cheddar into my mouth. Sorry Cabot.

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I don’t know what I would do without my dog. He’s my everything. I do this thing to him, I’ve done it forever, I lift up his floppy ear and whisper into it, “You’re my favorite thing in the whole world, I don’t like anything in the whole world more than you.” My bf gets offended by that. He doesn’t get it.

So, I’ll end there. I just love my dog. What can I say? (That I haven’t said in the last 1800+ words….about my dog?) :/

Hey, if you have a dog (or God Forbid, a cat…) that you love as much as I love my dog, shout it out below in the comments…I want to hear how crazy you are for your fury pal. Or, I’d like to know what celebrity you think they’d be.

Heart you, even you cat lovers… ugh.

-Chick A & Mr. Sam

 

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Love this guy.

 

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One response to “My Dog is Joe Pesci.

  1. I’m obsessed with my dog!!! She’s my child, she cracks me up everyday! People make fun of me on Facebook because every post is either about her or a picture of her. She loves treats too and can be extremely picky when it comes to which ones she will eat, if she has had the same treat to many times in a row she gets bored of them and turns her nose to it. I like giving her options to chose which treat she wants. She loves other dogs but hates puppies with a passion! She sees one and she gets annoyed almost instantly! I’m not sure what celebrity she would be, I will have to think about that one 😉

    Like

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