Hello!! Hi, it’s me! Chick A! Remember me?
We’ve been so lazy and boring lately. We’re really sorry. We had a “motivational business meeting” yesterday…which of course included french fries and ice cream…and we feel like we’re back on track. Okay, so we weren’t really boring, but we were kinda lazy. We’ve just had a lot going on lately.
One of my goings ons was my 3rd Annual Girl’s Weekend. (Aka GW14) (#gw14)…(Check out my Instagram for some pics! Username: abbeh23 or click on it on the toofunnychicks.com home page!) It was in North Truro, Massachusetts…or more commonly called, “The Cape” or “Cape Cod”. A fun time was had by all. We always laugh so hard that I would worry if I didn’t pee my pants at least one time. I’m not just saying that, it’s true. I pee. My pants. Just like a little, not full blown peeing, just a little will squeak out and I have to stand crossing my legs so hard before I can contain it and run to the bathroom. So luckily, I did pee my pants a little one night so it was a perfect weekend. (I even drank responsibly this year, yay me!)
I have one funny story that I will share from the weekend. It involved making coffee.
Whatever, it is NOT this easy.
I woke up at about 7:00 AM on the first morning there. I wanted to be awesome and get coffee and even breakfast ready for the other girls. I swear, I need my own B&B, I love it. Anyways, like no two snowflakes are alike, either are 2 coffee makers. I had bought some organic ground coffee made by none other than Joey Kramer from Aerosmith…it was on sale and looked interesting.
It was called “Sumatra”. I didn’t know what this meant. Was this a flavor? A type of bean? A kinky sex coffee? I don’t know…so, I proceeded. The directions said “1.5 Tablespoons for every 6 ounces.” Here we go. Math. Not my strong suit. So, there are three of us drinking coffee. I’ll make the whole pot because I don’t know their drinking habits. I don’t want to assume anything. So, 12 cups it is. So…12 cups times 1.5 ounces per 6 ounces…how many ounces in a cup? Why doesn’t it say, “1.5 Tablespoons per cup?” What is 12 cups divided by 1.5 T per 6 ounces?? What in the world??? So, I have to Google, “How many ounces in a cup?” Answer: 8 ounces. 8 x 12= 96. 96 ounces. Divided by 6? Or divided by 1.5 T? But, guess what?? For coffee makers, the standard laws of measurements do not apply. Oh no…Mr. Coffee was all, “I don’t want a cup to equal 8 ounces. I want it to equal 6 ounces” like some spoiled child. “I want a Golden Egg NOW Daddy!”
You can’t just CHANGE things like that! Why do you want to confuse people?? So, I have to re-do my math.
I need paper. I can’t find any. I find a blank legal envelope. I use that…see below:
As I am writing this and have my phone out to Google questions about measurements, whilst going back and forth to my cell phone’s calculator, I start laughing to myself. I can’t believe the lengths I am having to go to to make coffee. Every time I look at my scribblings on that envelope, I laugh a little harder. I could not stop laughing at one point. I’m sure the girls must’ve wondered what the hell I was laughing at by myself downstairs at now, 7:45 AM, 45 minutes since I started this hellish coffee making process.
As you can see, my math skills are very bad. I just can’t wrap my brain around problem solving of this magnitude. Plus, at home, I make coffee with ease because I not only have a chart my sister and brother-in-law made me about how many scoops go with how many numbers of water. I have what I believe is an actual “coffee scoop” at home and not just a tablespoon. I have no idea how many tablespoons are in my “coffee scoop”. All I have at the cottage is a tablespoon. But the directions do call for a tablespoon measurement anyways, not a “coffee scoop” measurement. So, I proceed. I’ve decided that I will do 15 tablespoons and go up to the 12 marker with water. This is my executive decision as early riser and the only one of the three of us that doesn’t use a Keurig. I’m the chosen one. So, I get up to 9 tablespoons. The basket is almost full. I don’t even think I can fit in 6 more tablespoons! I can’t believe I have to use so much coffee! Thank God this coffee was on sale. Throughout this process, I feel a lot of stress. I don’t want to make my friends bad coffee. Too strong coffee. Too weak coffee. I just want to get it right, damnit! Do something right for once in my life!! (I was actually getting this dramatic…)
So, I just make a choice. I say, maybe even out loud to myself, “I’m gonna go with 10 tablespoons of coffee and up to the 12 of water. I’m just gonna do it.” So, I did. I was anxious the entire time. The girls make it downstairs and with my explanation of what had happened, my legal envelope full of 3rd grade math and my bits of crazy-lady laughter, they somewhat reluctantly take some of my coffee. There was sugar and (only on vacation) Samoa Girl Scout Cookie flavored creamer to go with it, to possibly mask the tar flavor.
Listen, it smelled strong. It did. I won’t lie. It smelled a bit like pavement and steel. It was the color of molasses mixed with black food coloring. But, we all gave it a try. The opinions came in quickly. One REALLY liked it and the other was a bit more weary of it, but said it did grow on her about 30 minutes later.
I was really happy and relieved. I wasn’t a total loser after all. I COULD make coffee. I COULD do math. I COULD take chances in life. Thanks Joey Kramer and thank you, Mr. Coffee…you just decided to change factual mathematical proportions because guess what, you can. And I applaud you.
But listen, coffee bean makers and coffee machine makers, can you guys set up a meeting? Just come to some agreements that make it easier for math-idiots like me to make a great cup of coffee with any coffee, in any machine, at any time? Could ya? Could ya help a Chick out maybe? Like make the directions something like, “For whatever number you have filled water in your coffee pot to, put in that many tablespoons of coffee. The end.” No? It can’t be that easy?
Maybe my friends have something by only using a Keurig….God, they’ve always been smarter than me. Dammit.
Happy Coffee drinking y’all…and making.
Heart you, (and missed you!)
P.S. Get ready for some great upcoming blogs about current events, condiments, weight loss, weigh gain, weight staying the same, working out, recipes, babies, a new segment where we interview people and a topic close to our hearts…men and their inability to multi-task. Plus, a whole lot more!
P.P.S. To my GW Girls, A, L & K and sometimes S, Heart YOU so much!! Can’t wait to be like 87 and peeing my pants for real on GW64. 😉