I do not follow celebrity news. It is one of the areas in life where Chick A and I differ greatly. She can tell you all the ridiculous celebrity gossip and I barely know who Beyonce is. OK, that’s a lie, because everyone knows who Beyonce is. Mr. Chick A once tried to claim he didn’t. That was clearly a lie.
Tonight I stopped by to take a look out of curiosity. I can’t say why tonight I suddenly felt the urge to see what celebrities were up to, but I did, so I figured I’d indulge.
Here was the first headline I saw: “Kim Kardashian’s Sideboob! Kourtney Kardashian’s Shorteralls! Three Style Moments From the Family With the Endlessly Discussable Wardrobes.”
Just reading that headline I immediately lost 15 IQ points. It will take years to get those back.
Well, I’d already tasted the forbidden fruit so it was too late to turn back.
Here is a direct quote from the article: “Next, Kourtney Kardashian went with a totally Coachella-appropriate outfit for “Kidchella” wearing a pair of “shorteralls” with exposed pockets and a white Joe’s button-down (yet another way to wear the shirt), knee-high Stuart Weitzman gladiator sandals and round sunnies.”
That might as well be written in German. I literally have no idea what any of that means. What in the world are sunnies?
So now I’m a little hooked. I start digging a bit deeper into People.com.
Hayden Panettiere Bares Her Baby Bump in a Crop Top – See the Pic! Hayden Panettiere is pregnant? I like her. She’s cute. She’s engaged to a 38 year old? She’s only 24? Wait she hasn’t even confirmed the pregnancy? What if she’s not? Poor girl.
Christina Aguilera (and Her Belly!) Celebrate Summer. She’s pregnant too?? Huh. I hate the phrase “belly bump”. It’s so gross.
Whoa! Jennifer Love Hewitt Made Two Major Hair Changes. Whoa is right. How dare she?
Jennifer Lopez: My Kids Are ‘Growing Up So Differently Than Me’ J-Lo, no one is surprised by this news. You grew up po. Your kids are ridic rich. They poop dollar bills. This might be the most ridiculous statement of 2014. I’m calling it now.
Juicy Couture Store Closings: Is this the End of the Velour Tracksuit? Twitter Weighs In. Please, let it be. Let it be!!
See This Adorable Baby Discover the Comedic Possibilities of Eyebrows. Now this I’ll watch. This is pure gold.
Ryan Seacrest Attempts the Bikini Kleanse to Get Beach-Ready this Summer. Oh-kay. Now this is interesting. People will take this all sorts of ways, but I tip my hat to the guy for admitting it. I want Ryan Seacrest to be bikini ready too.
It’s funny the things that we care about. I’m not judging, not one bit, because you know what? I’d rather read about KK’s sideboob than any sort of real news. Real news is so depressing. So while I will still read real news, because that is what it takes to be a good human, I think I will also start to expose myself to this crazy world of shorteralls and bikini kleanses. I think it would really help to round me out.
Sharon Osbourne: My Granddaughter Pearl is ‘Divine and Fearless’. Jack Osbourne had a baby?? Two years ago?
I have to go. Sooooooo much catching up to do.