Oh, hey Ellen! Chick E and I would love to meet up with you and Chick P.
What’s Up, O? Yeah, Chick E and I would love to meet for a drink!
August 29th was TooFunnyChicks.com 1 Year Anniversary!
We’ve come a long way and have a long way to go still…
We have yet to receive any phone calls from Ellen or Oprah yet….
We ran a Blog-Off Contest and out of ALL the entries, this was the one that made us laugh the most!
Congrats to Miss Victoria Sawyer, you’ve won a shopping spree at Amazon.com!!
(You can spree all the way up until you reach $25)
Thanks for entering!!
And, without further adieu, here is the winning blog…
“My Old Jalopy Rant”
By Victoria Sawyer (Aka Chick V)
My car is super extra shitty. I’ve had the beast for EIGHT YEARS!! Yes, that would be from 24 to 32. EIGHT YEARS!!
It sucks because it has MANUAL locks. MANUAL windows. It only has like 3 speeds on the windshield wipers. Guys, I like to tell you a lot about how I’m suffering. I really really am suffering. My life is the WORST ever. People who get in my car act like they’re getting into an antique because they’ve NEVER SEEN manual window cranks before. PLUS the lousy cranks WORK BACKWARDS. Meaning you have to crank FORWARD for the window to go down. IT just feels wrong. I hate those spoiled bastards with their windows who leap up at the touch of a button. Or who can lower ALL THE WINDOWS at the same time and don’t have to hop into the back seat to crank down the back windows!
Those same assholes can lock all their doors with one click. They can also UNLOCK all their doors with one click. They don’t have to go around to each front door and unlock it and then reach inside and try to unlock each back door. They can also CUSTOMIZE their rain experience with so many speeds on their wind shield wipers. They don’t have to SUFFER because they’re missing that in between speed that you ALWAYS want ALL THE TIME and so you have to click back and forth between 2 of the lame speeds you do have.
Those assholes can also adjust their seats with the touch of a button. Technology has spoiled them for hardship.
Also there’s no such thing as MP3 hookups or anything cool like that in my Jalopy. There’s no GPS, there’s no little screen telling you the name of the songs that are playing. My car doesn’t tell me that someone is calling me. Just to listen to new technology, i.e. my MP3’s I have to plug in this little device to my cigarette lighter that basically makes my MP3 player play over the radio. It’s an FM TUNER!! It’s old school. And I do have a CD player. No tape deck, we’re definitely classier than that. (Can I just tell you how SHITTY CD’s are? They scratch at the drop of a hat! Literally a hat dropping could scratch them. Bullshizzz)
The other thing is that my car is sort of a trash deposit area because I’ve ceased to give a shit about it. It was used during our home construction (as in we built our own house, FO’REAL!) as our construction vehicle. How many times did it carry lumber stuck up through the trunk, back seat and in between the 2 front seats? How many times did it carry tools in its trunk? How dirty do you think it got?
So…the old Jalopy is still kicking after all these years. She’s only got 125K miles on her so inevitably she’ll be kicking for another FOUR goddamned years!! NO!! And Mr. VS and I are too cheap to give her up and buy ourselves something nice even though we could totes afford it.
Let me just tell you…the kinds of suffering I endure, I just don’t know how I do it. Somehow I do manage to get from point A to point B without dying in my old Jalopy. She’s agreed to carry my fat ass wherever I want to go and with nary a complaint. She hasn’t even given me much guff or fuss about it. She’s a sweet old biddy.
I have however abused her. She’s had some body work. Just a little bit. But it WASN’T All my fault! I swear it.
My poor old Jalopy who I am abusing on this blog and in person. You should send me a donation to put toward the exploited, mistreated vehicle. Also it would support me because I’m suffering so much. I’m so embarrassed by my jalopy. I’m unable to be as lazy as I want to be. You guys need to really support my laziness. Also my car just cannot carry all the shiz I want it to in its trunk. It’s not big enough. However, one luxury is that I do have a trunk popper opener inside the car. That’s probably the best luxury I have. I don’t even have cruise control, but I do have a trunk popper opener.
Angst Readers, if you love me, you’ll support my laziness. I want to be like my cats and just lay around the house all day long, eating and playing. When I go home tonight I will yell at them to “GET A JOB!” But they won’t listen or raise a paw to catch a mouse (at least not a real one). They’ll just keep collecting unemployment from me and food stamps too. I support these cats. Therefore I need a new car. It has to have good gas mileage though. Also power everything to support my new laziness initiatives. One of those wheel chair lifts would also be cool. I don’t want to have to do any extra work.
In closing, in 4 more years I’m going to get the sweetest jalopy EVER. It’s going to have technology that you bastards have NEVER EVEN HEARD OF!! I’m even getting an in-seat toilet. Now that’s true luxury.
Then finally, my suffering will be at an end. And maybe I can convince my cats to get jobs and support me for a change. Maybe my new car will be able to be driven by them or by robots.
The future will be sweet my friends.
There ya have it…and here’s to another year of The Chick’s meanderings, insane ramblings and calls from incredible talk show hosts who LOVE toofunnychicks.com!
Thanks for Following, share us with all your friends (wait, that sounds bad…) and stay tuned for lots more Chick Love….(wait, that doesn’t sound too good either…) Oh Well…
P.S. Check out more of Chick V’s hilarity by taking a gander at her blog Angst