How I Almost Peed My Pants On An Airplane

I have recently, within the past two years, begun traveling for work.  This is something very foreign to me as I am by nature a homebody.  I just like being home.  It’s easier.  All of my stuff is there.  Ya know?  When I do travel for pleasure, it’s usually by car.  I can fit lots of things into my car and if I need to get home, it’s as easy as hopping into it and driving away.  (I clearly have issues).

packed-car

I can bring as much stuff as my heart desires.

My travel for work generally involves flying.  I hate flying.  It’s SO stressful.  I get ridic anxiety before flying and it has nothing, absolutely nothing, to do with dying.  I mean, I don’t want to die, but the extremely small chance that my plane will crash is literally the least stressful thing for me about flying.

I flew down to GA last Tuesday.  Here is a what was going on in my brain while trying to get ready:

Stylish-Womens-Rain-Boots

What if it rains while I am there and I don’t have a raincoat or rain boots?

Print

What should I bring for footwear??  Who can accurately predict the shoes they will need for all potential outfits while traveling?  I sure can’t.

rash

What if I get some sort of strange rash and need hydro-cortisone cream and I don’t have a way to get any?

tylenol

I’d better bring the Tylenol.  I’ll most definitely get a headache at some point.

Liquids-on-planes-ban-mus-007

How many ounces of liquid can I bring?  Is there a sum total I have to be below or can I bring as many 3 ounce containers of liquid as I want?  Or is it 4 ounces?  Does eye shadow somehow fall into this category?  Do I have to put that into my clear Ziploc bag that I am putting my liquids into?  I really wish I could use my cute Vera Bradley travel case for my toiletries instead of a plain old Ziploc bag. That’s so boring.  What is the point of toiletry bags now?  Road trips I guess?  Where does the word “toiletry” come from?

On this trip in particular, I purchased a 33.8 Fl Oz Smart Water at the airport.  I then proceeded to drink about 17 Fl Oz of it before boarding the plane, so within 10 minutes of takeoff I had to pee, bad.  That little “Fasten Seatbelt” light was all sorts of lit up though, so I wasn’t going anywhere.  I obey airplane law.  I was sitting in row 24, so just about the middle of the plane.  Finally the light goes off and I’m free to roam about the cabin, except when I go to get up and, awwww crap, flight attendants with beverage carts are blocking me to the left and to the right.  I’m trapped.  Trapped in seat 24D with over 17 Fl Oz of water in my bladder.

ServiceCart

They really need to figure out a better way.

So what do I do?  What can I do?  I sit back down, and play a game on the iPad, and hope to God that nobody on the plane wants to drink or eat anything so that those GD beverage carts get out of my way.

Five minutes later…I’m not gonna make it.  I’ve GOT to pee, NOW.  So I get out of my seat and head down the aisle, and smile really big at the (male) flight attendant.  Maybe he’ll think I’m cute.  “Sorry, can I squeeze by?”  He tries to maneuver the cart to gain me another half inch, but it’s really no help.  I literally have maybe 3″ to squeeze through.  I go for it.  What else can I do?  I squeeze myself through, while brushing against all sorts of passengers (sorry strangers), because I am literally about to pee my pants.

aisle-seat-airplane-jokes

Not a Free Lap Dance, Weirdo…

And what am I rewarded with?  The world’s smallest bathroom that has pee on the floor, because that is what happens on airplanes. At least I assume it’s pee. Maybe it’s just water. My god airplanes are gross. (While looking for a pic of a gross airplane bathroom, I found a site with some amazeballs bathrooms…you gotta check this out.)

Lufthansa_FIrst_Class2

This is an airplane bathroom. I’m serious. Not the one I was in with pee on the floor.

I would like to pass along the following life lesson: don’t drink before flying.Wait. Maybe the life lesson is drink a crapload before flying. But instead of water, drink booze. Yes. I think that’s it. Problem solved.

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Happy Flying!

-Chick E

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