Being ill, under the weather, sick…whatever you want to call it for any stretch of time, for me, is…a roller coaster of emotions. At first, the rest and the fact that nothing is on the schedule is a welcome change of routine. Then, as you realize how bad daytime television is, how the days without much conversation, seeing only your significant other and dog every day, however much you absolutely love them, start to become lonely and depressing and my mind starts to spin. Okay, so…this sounds kind of dramatic.
I have bronchitis. Pretty normal stuff. No big deal. But, because it’s something that lives inside my chest and because I have a history of bad stuff going on inside my chest, I am unable to separate the two. My mind spins and I start thinking about my life, my mortality, things I need to change in my life, my blah blah blah blah blah. Stuff I do not need to be thinking about with just a bad case of bronchitis.
I’ve lived a life full of so much happiness and so many blessings. I’ve also lived a lot of my life in bad health, although I have also lived my life trying to be healthy, so…that’s frustrating. This has molded me, my body, my brain in such a way that it’s hard sometimes to be more than that. To be more than my large body and my on again, off again bad choices. It’s like I’m angry with myself, why have I chosen time and time again to not become a healthy, fit, thin person who can wear a tight pair of hot jeans and a crisp, white shirt and a fun necklace and some cute little boots? I don’t know who this is, but how cute is she??
It’s strange. Why do people, why do I, who is someone who understands exactly what it takes to become this person, not do it? Is it because I’m lazy? I don’t think I’m lazy. I workout. I eat right, for the most part. (Sans the two times this week I’ve had Ben & Jerry’s…ugh! Why does that stuff have to be so delicious?? Any why do I continue to eat it when I truly believe that I am Lactose Intolerant??? WHY???) What is stopping me? I’ve searched for years and years in self-help books, in the Bible, in motivational speakers, on those little quotes that are on certain tea bags (I can’t tell you how disappointed I am when my tea bag doesn’t have an inspirational quote on it, ugh.) I’ve asked people who have achieved goals, how they did it. I’ve meditated, asked God, asked Buddha, asked doctors, trainers, therapists, every year when that People Magazine edition comes out called, “Half My Size”, I buy it. So why? Why am I still not getting to the place that I want to be?
Here’s the thing, maybe I am where I am supposed to be. Right here. Happy where I am. I’m sure that’s the answer. Like they say, content with now, yet striving for more. Is that something “they” say? It sounds like it, but now reading that, that doesn’t seem right. How can someone be content with now AND striving for more? Maybe understanding this could unlock a whole host of answers to my lifelong questions??!
Back to my point, I’m home sick again today, drinking chaga tea that my sister has told me is a centuries old healer, watching “Eat, Pray, Love”…sorting all my pills and vitamins into their daily boxes, wondering once again, How can I be better? Healthier? Be one of those super healthy, fit, smart, immune system of steel, Eco-friendly, kind, loving, charitable, not self-centered, driven, up on current events (and not just celebrity news), nicely manicured nails, positive all the time, risk-taking, achieves goals set, well hydrated, perfect person? Is it too much to ask to be perfect?? It’s very exhausting.
So, with this all said, I am going to commit to writing more blogs about this journey. This journey that I’ve literally been on for oh, about 28 years. It’s hard to remember when I first went off the road of health….I was a super cute 6 year old in a bikini, I have pics. So, I tend to go with about age 10, that’s maybe when I started wearing more pants that had the word, “husky” on the tag and sweaters from the Men’s Department at The Gap.
I’m hoping that this chaga tea and this 47th screening of “Eat, Pray, Love” will get me back on track today. To a more positive outlook and mindset. Listen, I am a very deep person. I believe that everything happens in this life for a bigger reason. (Cliches are so annoying, everyone hates them, but it’s because they’re mostly all so obnoxiously true…) I know that even me being so sick this week is for a reason. What the reason is, I’m not sure yet. But, I do know that I will never be perfect. You know I’m just kidding when I say that is my goal, right? (kinda kidding) I just want to strive to be better every day of my life. That’s all.
I want to know, what do you think about being perfect? Do you strive to be better every day? Do you get frustrated because you’re not perfect too? And, why do you think, reader, that people who want so badly to achieve certain goals AND know how to, do not?
Okay, so this was a pretty deep talk today. Not so much haha funny Chick, more like hmmm…interesting Chick. (More like, stir crazy, super bored and too much time on my hands Chick.)
By the way, here are some other super annoying cliches that are obnoxiously true:
1. One Day at a Time
2. Lead By Example
3. Be All That You Can Be
4. Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff
5. It’s the Journey, Not the Destination
Okay, those are all I can stomach today.
So, listen…let’s take these stupid cliches and this delicious chaga tea and let’s eat, pray and love ourselves to happiness, alright?
And, stay tuned for more stories about how I continue to become the World’s Most Perfect Person!
Heart you, so much.