Halloween: The Holiday Where It Pays To Have Kids

Fall is upon us up here in New England.  The night air is crisp, the leaves are falling from the trees, and college coeds are excitedly putting together their sluttiest Halloween costumes.  I never liked Halloween until I had kids.  I have, however, always loved candy.  Always.  So so much I love candy.  And so although I do not participate in the slutty dressing that so many enjoy, I do parade the kids around as my “candy retrievers” for the night.  This candy retrieving might be the most productive thing my kids ever do for me.

Chick A and I recently had a discussion about what to give out for Halloween.  She’s forever trying to change the world for the better, so understandably the idea of handing out pounds of candy to kids all night, kills her a bit morally.  I, on the other hand, am quite ok with that, mostly because I plan on eating most of the goodies that come from tonight’s festivities.  Let’s all get one thing clear:  No one want to go to the house that’s handing out stickers, toothbrushes, raisins, or even money.

the candy dodge

I get it, I really do.  Kids do not need all of the candy they get at Halloween.  But you know who does?  The parents.  364 days a year, parenting can feel pretty thankless.  But on this one glorious night, we get to parade around our little monsters and get rewarded for it.  Rewarded with Kit Kats, Reese’s PB Cups, Skittles, Snickers Bars…the stuff dreams are made of.  So this is my plea to you all:  Please leave Halloween as-is.  Do not use it as a platform to fight childhood obesity.  That battle can continue November 1st.  Do not use it as a platform to fight tooth decay.  Do not use it as a platform for anything.  Also, do not give out Dum Dums or Smarties.  Because nobody likes those either.  Better yet, refer to this list of stuff that no one wants.  Except for Tootsie Rolls.  Those I’ll allow.  Dig deep into your wallets and spend the $20 on the “good candy”.  It will help you not to get egged or toilet papered, and it will keep the parents kids happy.

I’ll catch up with you all in a few weeks, after I come down from my immense sugar high.

Happy Halloween!

-Chick E

PS. You have to watch this video from the Jimmy Kimmel show of kids being told that their parents ate all of their candy.  It’s maybe the funniest thing ever.  Thankfully G doesn’t get this upset and N is too little to care.  🙂


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