The Latest and Greatest Diet Movement.

There’s so much to think about when it comes to food. It’s so confusing and complicated. There’s so many theories about what’s good for you, what’s bad for you, what you should never eat, what you should eat only in moderation, what will raise your cholesterol, what will lower your triglycerides, what will improve your skin, glycemic indexes, charts, graphs, BMI, chocolate fountains…and so on and so on.

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In every “diet” there are rules. Don’t eat this. Eat more of this. In Atkins, you eat all the protein you want, in Weight Watchers you can eat all the fruit you want. But then there are some people who say you should never eat meat and only eat fruit in moderation. Some diets, like Paleo ban legumes like kidney beans and peanuts….and tell you to eat more avocados. I thought beans were good for me and I used to stay away from avocados because they were so high in calories…

Then, we’ve got Organic, Gluten-Free, Non-dairy, No Soy, Vegetarian, Vegan, Raw, Fruitarian, Kosher…it’s all so confusing! It truly hurts my brain. I’m not against any of these things, I’m just saying, there’s so much to consider and examine.

After so many years of trying everything from Slim Fast to Dexatrim to Weight Watchers to Paleo, this is what diet I’ve decided  is the best way to go. Yes, it’s the latest and greatest diet trend in the World. Well, once people hear about it, it probably will be… It’s called….

The Do Whatever the Hell You Want To Do Diet.

It’s not up to me to say what’s best for you. Maybe your body will react favorably to a diet of Cheetos and a workout regimen of extreme channel surfing. I don’t know. But here, I’ll tell you what I think is best for me. Take it. Leave it. Yell at me. Whatevs. I’ll still heart you.

From what I myself have gathered, I like to eat pretty clean. I like to buy Organic lettuce and coffee. I like for most everything in my cart to have that O word on it. I just like it, whether or not it’s real, whether or not I’m just paying extra money for things that it doesn’t matter if it’s organic or not, I don’t care. I like the word Organic on my food. I just do.

These are some things that I think are good, for my life…

1. I think that eating Twinkies is probably not good. I’m not 100% sure it’s even food.

2. I think that if a consumable can remove rust from your fender (aka soda) maybe stay away from that?

3. If a cheeseburger is $1.00, I don’t think that’s a “good” deal.

4. If your food or drink is mostly made of synthetic chemicals (aka diet soda, sugar-free anything) maybe reconsider, I mean, would you go home and pour yourself a frosty glass of Windex? And maybe you would like to do that. Okay.

5. If your kids chicken nuggets are in the shape of dinosaurs, question their authenticity. I don’t think the chicken farmer was using dinosaur shaped cookie cutters on the farm.

6. I think that I feel best when I am eating things that have one ingredient. Apples have apple in them. Chicken with just chicken in it. Lettuce that is comprised of lettuce.

There’s more, but I’ll stop there for now.

But, if you want to go to McDonald’s, get a Dollar Cheeseburger, a Big Gulp Pepsi (wait, that’s 7/11?), while at 7/11, get a package of Twinkies and a diet Mountain Dew and then go home and fry up some Hello Kitty shaped chicken nuggets for the kiddos, go ahead. I don’t care. I mean, I love you, but this is your life to figure out what’s right for you and what makes you happy. I’ll still think you’re a nice person. 🙂

I’ll be like…..

Here’s the thing, I’m not perfect. (Who am I kidding? Did you read Chick A: She Knows She’s Cute…and Awesome??) But, eating wise, I’m not perfect. I like to eat clean and eat low carbs and low sugar and no artificial sweeteners and Organic and local everything. Does this always happen? Not when I’m eating a Chocolate Stick from Dunkin’ Donuts, it’s not. (Seriously y’all, the stick is SO much better than the round one…) Well wait, Dunkin’ Donuts is actually “local”…sooo…?? But, after years of trying to eat perfect, I decided, I just can’t. And, more importantly I don’t want to. I want to eat some Kit Kat Minis once in a while, I want to eat fried clams and scallops on my birthday every year, I want to eat my Mum’s amazing stuffing at Thanksgiving next Thursday…maybe just not ALL of it. But, then, maybe I’ll go for a walk. Balance it out.

Y’all, if you have yet to try the remarkable insaneness of Kit Kat Minis, please, I implore you. Leave wherever you are right now, and go to a place that sells candy. You might be saying, “Well, I’ve had Kit Kats before….” But I’m telling you, it’s NOT the same. There’s something truly magical about these little guys, (I wonder why I have a weight issue…………)

 

I also like to eat animals and items that animals produce. You know? Burgers? Yes please. Omelets? Every day. Pork chops? Uh, absolutely. Bacon? Don’t get me started. So, being a vegetarian or a vegan would be like a jail sentence to me. But, if you don’t care about eating meat, or think that you’d rather not eat meat, that’s cool…but don’t judge me because I care about eating meat.

People that know that I have heart disease will often question my meat consumption and to that I say, 1. “There’s research out there that says that blood cholesterol is not affected by food…” (There’s research showing that it does too, so….) Number 2. I don’t care. I want to be happy and live my life to the fullest, so if I die eating a slice of crisp, delicious bacon, I’ll die happy. But thanks for caring. 🙂

I think that the stress that we all put ourselves under in figuring out what to eat is just as bad as eating the wrong things.

So, listen…this is what I have decided to do. First and foremost, workout. Workout almost every day. Then, eat what YOU deem healthy to your body and soul. A mini banana Laffy Taffy that you stole from your kids’ Halloween bucket? Sure. An ice-cream sundae once a month? Totes. A kale, ginger, apple non-dairy smoothie? Bring it on. Just do whatever the hell you want to do…and like everything else in life, MYOB when it comes to others. It’s such a touchy subject with people and it’s not worth it to tell people what you think they should and shouldn’t do. People don’t take advice from others. That’s just a fact.

So go, go grab a Whatchamacallit or a Thingamajig, go hop on an elliptical machine and take a deep breath and forget about what “they” say…”they” are all just as confused as “us”…

Heart you, you crazy Twinkie…

-Chick A

 

Check out all the other amazingly talented and hilarious bloggers that are too taking part in the Worldwide Revolution of FBF! (Funny Blog Friday) You won’t be sorry. I don’t think. I mean, I haven’t read ALL the other blogs yet. You probably won’t be sorry. And if you are, I’m sorry.

Alanna of White Girls Be Like…

Jamie of Fits of Wit

Jessie of Jessie Reyna

HE Ellis of HE Ellis

Ben of Ben’s Bitter Blog

Jenn of Properly Ridiculous

Alice of Alice At Wonderland

Lisa of Buddhaful Britt

JC of JCS Bloggery

Sarah of No Cry Babies

Elke of The Pretty Platform

Jack of The Things I see Up Here

Chicks A & E of Too Funny Chicks

Charly of Crazy Life

Kevin of Trailer Trash Deluxe

Karilin of That Nameless Color

Arthur from Pouring My Art Out

Our Girl, Chick V over at Angst Anarchy

FBF Funny Blog Friday

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