Where The Hell Are My F’ing Jeggings????

I’m always on the hunt for the perfect pair of jeans. I know this is tough for all women, but for overweight women, it’s kind of like trying to find a single, straight guy at a Gay Pride Parade. It’s tough. I have a big waist and tiny chicken legs and that mix is difficult to achieve jean-bliss.

I’ve had previous success at Macy’s. Actually, my absolute favorite pair, maybe ever, came from Macy’s a couple of years ago. They are/were amazing. I am conflicted in their current tense status because they now have two pretty good size tears in the inner thigh area (another joy of being a plus-size Chick) and they should really be retired or patched (and since I’ll never patch them, retired…) but I’m just having a hard time because they’re so awesome and all the internet scouring and in person pleas at Macy’s, haven’t provided much luck in finding an exact replacement.

So…I’m at Macy’s a couple of weeks ago, searching in vain for their twin or at the very least for something that I could maybe love 90% as much. What I’m looking for, for MY body type and MY style requirements is a skinny jean. Something that’s kinda stretchy, comfortable at the waist…that isn’t low-rise by any means, actually, the higher the rise, the better….if they could just sit right under my boobs, that would be amazing. Then, below the waist, I want them to be pretty form-fitting. I want them to be somewhat stretchy, so I’m not walking around like Frankenstein, but I don’t want much wrinkling of the fabric either. Plus, they cannot have any buttons anywhere. Not on the fly, not on the back pockets, no where. I do not like buttons showing through from my shirts and I don’t need the frustration of buttoning my fly. I have enough going on in my life. Plus, no crazy details on the back pockets. Like, some big purple “S” embroidered on the butt or some crazy design that involves gems. I don’t like that.

My criteria are stringent. I know. It’s the perfect jean. And, it’s like the wind. You know it’s out there, but you just can’t see it…

Okay, back to how I was at Macy’s a couple of weeks ago…I see this pair of jeans. No, I’m sorry…jeggings. They were jeggings. They’re like denim leggings. Jeggings. I know “jeggings” have gotten a bad rap, but the right pair of jeggings can look pretty good…I think anyway. Plus, I’m desperate. I am starting to be able to feel the breeze in my inner thigh area and I’m sure sooner rather than later, someone is gonna see bare skin there and it’s not a good look. It’s not like when you have a rip in your jeans around your knee, because that looks cool. This isn’t cool. This is just sad. So, I see the jeggings. I try them on….and I like them. They’re not as good as my holey perfect jeans, but they’re the 90% I was looking for.

I take them to the register. I’m greeted by a very nice associate. She begins to tell me that they are having a sale that upcoming weekend and that today (it was a Thursday) they were beginning their “pre-sale”…what I took this to mean was that the sale was already going on. And I was right. And I was also wrong.

MA (Macy’s Associate): You can purchase a 30% off your entire purchase coupon for $5 and the $5 goes to charity.

So, win-win, I think. I save money on mah jeggins and also help children/dogs/the elderly…whoever it was that was gonna benefit from my $5.

Me: Okay, I’ll buy a coupon.

She rings up my 90% perfect jeggings, bags them up, takes my debit card and 30% off charity coupon and then proceeds to explain something to me that I do not think I will ever, ever fully understand.

MA: So, because this is a pre-sale, and the sale doesn’t start until Saturday, you can come back on Saturday to get them….

(Pause for so much confusion)

Me: I can’t take them now? I just paid for them.

MA: No, I’m sorry. You can’t have them until Saturday.

Me: I’ll be away all weekend…

MA: Well, I can ship them to you if you’d like, free of charge! 

Me: So, instead of me just walking out of the store with them, Macy’s would rather pay to have them shipped to me?

MA: Yeah, that’s just how they do it.

Me: That is the weirdest and maybe worst policy I have ever heard in my life.

I couldn’t believe it. To save 30% off this pair of 90% jeggings, I had to pay for them that day and then leave without them. So Macy’s could basically punish me for my impatience in regards to their weekend sale. So I left. Without my jeggings. And with $38 less in my bank account.

That was August 26th. Two days ago, September 9th, I had this thought on the way to work…“Where the hell are my f’ing jeggings??” I only then realized I hadn’t received them yet! They were coming from one town over! How long did it take?? What kind of shipping option did they choose?? Camel?? So, I marched into work and called my local Macy’s. The same Macy’s that had held my jeggings captive two weeks prior.

Me: Hi, I purchased something there a couple of weeks ago and because it was a pre-sale, they didn’t let me leave the store with my purchase, but said they’d ship it to me, but I haven’t received it yet…

MA: Okay, Ma’am. What did you purchase?

(This was a tough thing for me to say out loud.)

Me: I purchased a pair of plus-size jeggings.

(I think she silently judged me.)

MA: Alright, yes. I see them here in the bag with a shipping label on them. I apologize, they were never sent out. Did you want to come and pick them up today?

Me: No, I really don’t. (I wanted to be difficult) Can you just ship them to me?

MA: We will, Ma’am. And for the inconvenience (Of not being able to wear these stupid jeggings…I’m assuming she was thinking…) we’re going to send you a coupon for $25 Macy Bucks. It’s basically a gift card for $25 to any Macy’s.

Me: Great, thank you.

I got the jeggings in the mail yesterday. With the $25 Macy Bucks.


So, in summation…I went to Macy’s spent $38 on jeggings. And Macy’s spent a good $5 on shipping, lost $25 in Macy’s Bucks and at least $9 on dealing with me and my jeggings in customer service alone. So, I think I won that round. So, listen, Macy’s? Maybe rethink this program.

And please, please bring back Style & Co’s, Size 18W, Denim Woman, Bottoms Up, Skinny Leg Jean that has 72% Cotton, 26% Polyester and 2% Spandex.

Thank you,

-Chick A


3 responses to “Where The Hell Are My F’ing Jeggings????

  1. Let me know if you ever find them. I might have told you before that my life is all about the quest for the perfect vacuum and the perfect pair of jeans. That’s a sad commentary when I see it in print.😊😒


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