I think because I’ve been trying to lose weight since I was like a fetus and really have never reached any of the goals that I’ve wanted to, that it became one of those “Screw It” type things. “I’m SICK of trying to lose weight! I just want to live like a normal person!!” are some of the things I’ve been known to think, scream and say angrily through tears. Uplifting, right?
You, dearest reader, have read many a blog about me “getting back on the train” or “Here I Go Again!” and it almost makes me feel worse. Like, shut up, Chick A. Just don’t say anything because you sound like such a loser. (And not the good kind of loser.) Every time I say “I’m back on the tracks” or whatever other analogy I come up with at the time, is just ANOTHER time that I’ll have to write a blog, 6 months later that says something super creative like, “I’ve fallen off the train and into a very murky ditch.”
We’re so hard on ourselves, aren’t we?? All of us. I mean, maybe some of you aren’t. Maybe some of you are the kind of people that try your best, know you won’t always make the best choices and when you don’t go, “I deserved that!” Whereas some of us are over here like, “I SUCK!!! AND I HAVE NO GD WILLPOWER AND I’M NEVER GONNA LOSE WEIGHT!!! BUT WHO CARES ANYWAYS! I JUST WANT TO DO WHATEVER I WANT ALL THE TIME!!! AND I HATE EATING SALAD!!! AND I WANT A CHEESEBURGER!!” (I mean, I think that’s what some people might say, it’s just like, an example.)
Some of us also have that all or nothing mentality. Maybe some of you are those people that go, “Well, I had 6 donut holes for breakfast, I’ll make up for it at lunch and have a salad…” While some of us are over here like, “Well, I had 6 donut holes for breakfast, I guess I’ll just consider this day a wash and have those fried chicken tenders and french fries with cheese sauce and 3 cookies for lunch…and ooh, what about dinner?? Yasssss!!!! Fettuccine Alfredo and a whole bowl of brownie batter- baking them is lame!! (Again, just a totally random example of what someone might say…)
Here’s the thing. I want to be that cool and balanced person. That “gentle with yourself” person who doesn’t have that all or nothing mentality. I want to be healthy. I want to be happy. I want to find a balance between these two things that doesn’t make me want to hold up a Cold Stone Creamery once every 3 months. I want to eat my sister’s delicious turkey noodle soup she made me and not have a panic attack because it has noodles in it!! I LOVE noodles!!
I want to not hate exercise. I want to be able to get up easily from the new, extremely low to the ground bed we’ve recently purchased. I want to not have “putting on shoes” be considered a workout. I want to turn 40 in 135 days and have reached my “penciled” goal of 40 by 40. (I don’t REALLY commit to goals anymore, not in pen anyways, because I hate letting myself down and I’ve done that a lot…)
So, here’s what I’m doing…I’m counting my calories. It works for me. I’m a pretty rigid person. I like to know my exact boundaries and stay in them. (Plus, I love to receive smiley face stickers on the calendar when I stay under my calories…) I’m also trying my best to reach 7,500 steps every day. (I know it should be 10k, but I’m not trying to shoot for the moon, yet.) I’m TRYING!! Okay, inner-a-hole, I’m TRYING!! So shut it.
And, that’s where I’m at. Struggling to find balance still, struggling to not try to be perfect, but also feeling more motivated again and being happy about that. Also, laughing at myself because I think this is the 12th time I’ve written this same exact blog in 2.5 years. Sorry my record isn’t playing, it’s broken.
Cheer me on, okay? 40 by 40. I can do this. I’m actually thinking about using a pen…
You be nice to yourself too, okay?