Dear A**hole Parents,
We live in an age where it’s really hard to parent. There is always somebody telling you what you’re doing wrong. Not in a direct, grown-up, sort of way. In a passive aggressive “let me share this a**hole-ish thing on social media” type of way. The worst kind of way ever. A way that goes something like this:
Actual Facebook post, tweaked slightly by yours truly: “So proud of my daughter! Took her into a McDonalds so we could use the restroom – we certainly wouldn’t EAT there – and she looked at me and asked if these parents loved their kids! I told her of course they don’t! They’re feeding their kids poison sweetie!”
Actual Facebook post, tweaked slightly by yours truly: “Just got back from a 15 mile hike with the kiddos. No screens for us on this beautiful day!”
Actual Facebook post, tweaked slightly by yours truly: “Just pumped 876 ounces of breast milk! Planning on breastfeeding until college if I can keep it up!”
Screens, food, boob juice. Ugh. Enough! Enough of it all! Nobody cares! Social media is legit the worst thing to happen to parents. As if keeping them clothed, fed, happy, rested, enrolled in school, isn’t challenging enough. It’s all so increasingly hard. There is literally a need or a want, every 4 minutes. I’ve tracked it. It’s true. Every 4 minutes there is something you need to do for your kids. So if I, or any of you, want to feed your kids Doritos for breakfast…please do. Please. Do. Whatever makes your life easier in this one minute, for this one day.
These posts on the Facebook, or the Twitter, or the whatever else you all use to communicate, they’re just unnecessary. Here’s the deal. We know that there are a group of you that believe organic is best, and breastmilk is best, and that we shouldn’t give our kids iPads, and we should be exercising 2 hours a day, and we should home school, and we should grow our own food, and raise our own cattle, and on and on and on and on. Working Moms? Oh no. No! You can’t WORK and have kids! We get it. You’re better than us! It’s cool. We have all come to terms with that.
But guess what. You’re actually not. Because in between your superior posts on social media, your kids are a**holes too. They throw tantrums. They whine. They throw things, and bite people, and refuse to eat kale, and sneak lollipops, and refuse to potty train, and don’t do their homework. They do all the same things my kids do. So…maybe I’m not so bad after all. Maybe sugar isn’t the anti-Christ. Maybe formula doesn’t wreck their brains. Maybe the fact that I go to work isn’t causing them huge emotional stress.
So this is my plea. Can everyone just stop being a**holes? Can you all just not say every single thing you think people should or shouldn’t be doing with and for their kids on social media? Can you just lock it up for the remainder of 2017? That’d be amazing. You go do you. I’ll go do me. And we will all be ok. I promise.
And maybe just once this year, sneak your kid an Oreo or two. They’re not THAT bad.