This June, I will turn 38. To many, this is young. It’s still considered mid-30’s, I think and although there is a large part of me that agrees that “age is just a number”…there’s also a part of me that thinks, “HOLY SHIT, I’M GONNA BE 40.” (I’m totally Sally from “When Harry met Sally”, “But I’m gonna be 40!! When?? Someday!! Watch clip of me here.)
What is age, anyway? I’ve experienced almost 38 years of life, so many diverse moments of incredible love and happiness as well as difficult times and sorrow, all which educated me in ways that 20-somethings have still to learn. So many experiences that have made me the person I am today. These are all great things, right? Right. I know you’re right.
However, I think there is a preconceived notion of what my age is supposed to be, at least in my head. It’s driving a minivan, not super great fashion, sensible haircut, stable career or venerable Mother/Wife/Home CEO. Basically, at 40ish, you should have your “shit” together. So, I guess, in a lot of ways, I do not feel like I have this.
Yes, I am a step-mom or as I like to call it, “Bonus Mom” to two awesome kids, I do have a job that sustains my life financially, (I can’t bring myself to call it my “career” even though I’ve been doing it for nine years), I own a home, I have an amazing and loving legal “Domestic Partner” (made legal about a month ago by the State of Maine, thank you) (a little better than having a “boyfriend” at 38 years old…), I am debt-free (besides mortgage, is that even considered “debt”?) and I feel like I am a well educated (mostly street smarts, as per previous blogs you’ll agree that my “book smarts” are definitely lacking….refer to TFC Exposed. Chick A: Didn’t Pay Attention In School.) So, why do I feel like I’m still 20-something? I think it’s because I compare myself to other people my age. They have children of their own, “careers”, minivans, they say things like, “My son is in the 99th percentile of height for his age!!” And I’m all, “What the hell does that mean??” Plus, I drive a Mini Cooper. Totally not a sensible car for a 40 year old woman, right??
I drive it like Charlize Theron in the Italian Job. SO not how 40 Year Olds Should Drive…
I’ve always wanted children of my own, but now as I get closer and closer to 40 and have knowledge of my realistic health issues and am surrounded by parents that want to shoot themselves and/or runaway a lot the times, I question if I am “too old” for a newborn now? Would I still have the patience? Could I handle the sleep deprivation? Am I too selfish now? I know that Chick E, who is MUCH younger than me, has basically told me that I am “insane” to want to have a baby now. So, this is a tough topic. Maybe I’ll write more about that debate in a future post. (By the way, per multiple highly-acclaimed Cardiologists at Brigham and Women’s Hospital in Boston, I do have the green light to have children of my own…in case you were wondering. If you weren’t wondering, then just consider it a nugget of personal info about me that you didn’t know. You’re welcome.)
I work for a company that treats me well, I have great benefits, great vacation time, great co-workers that are like my second family and many more pluses, however, much to the non-understanding of my Dad, admin work is not necessarily my passion in life. But, who gets to have their job/career be their passion in life anyways? Not many people, I think. It’s a solid job…that’s what my Dad tells me and I know that I am truly lucky to have it in this time of such abundant job scarceness. I guess it’s just the “Musical Theater Major” in me that pines for a job where I get to be more creative, you know? There’s not a lot of creativity to be had in “admin” work. You know what I’m sayin’? Despite the raffle that I have implemented every Friday at work, which I seriously went over the top with, read here.
So, what the hell am I babbling about, you’re thinking? I guess it’s just the age old question…“What is my purpose here?” And, shouldn’t I have that at least somewhat figured out by now, by almost 40? I’m not being negative about my life, I swear. I have a great life, amazing family and friends, security and joy. I’m merely questioning like Leslie Mann and Paul Rudd did in the funny movie, “This is 40??”
So funny. If you haven’t seen this movie. Do so.
Maybe my preconceived notions were just….wrong. Maybe it’s okay to still get butterflies when New Kids on the Block are mentioned or are on television. Maybe it’s okay for me to like to buy things at “Forever 21“. Maybe it’s okay to still chuckle when I hear the word “boobs” or especially “boobies“…heehee.
OMG. Even this picture stirs me up inside. They were so awesome.
Maybe it’s okay to not have everything figured out yet.
Maybe I can be bold enough to say that I can redefine what 40 is. I know a lot of 40 somethings as well as 50, 60, 70, 80, 90-somethings that are still cool and sassy and have good fashion sense and have cute hair styles. (I didn’t say ALL, I said A LOT…there’s a difference there…)
Age IS just a number. Not to sound like a jerk, but I’ve been mistaken for low to mid-20’s before, like even somewhat recently. So, screw you, 40. I AM the new (almost) 40. So maybe I don’t have all my shit together. Maybe having all your shit together is super boring and I don’t want a boring life anyways.
This post has really turned me around. I’m not going to be freaked out about 40 anymore. I’m going to be all, “Yeah, I’m almost 40…whaaatt? I’m awesome.”
By the way, NKOTB is touring this summer…I think…who’s with me???
So at whatever age I am, I’ll remember that Step by Step, I’ll Always be Hangin’ Tough,
I’ll be Loving You Forever,
Heart you too,
P.S. I heart you too, Google for telling me that each NKOTB fella;
Joey, Jordan, Jon, Danny and Donnie are ALL over 40. 🙂
And…Still. Totally. Cool.